I have started and abandoned and restarted this post several times... I kind of know what I want to say, but I'm afraid I will offend someone or sound like a whiny jerk.
Here goes anyway...
The situation before: D and I made almost exactly the same amount of money. I did most of the housework, but not all. My job was more flexible, but since his job was right in town, I could call on him to pick F up sometimes if I had a meeting. He worked from 9 to 5 with lunch (a little less than 8 hours) and I worked from 8 to 3 with another hour or two at home while F did her homework (so 8 hours also plus or minus). I drove her to school, picked her up, took her to practices.
Now: D is making A LOT more money. I am doing all of the housework because his commute adds about 20 or 25 mins. to either end of his day. My job is a lot more flexible, since he's in a nearby town. He works from 8 to 5 with an hour lunch (8 hours still) and my hours won't change.
Writing this, the primary things that have changed are that I now do all of the housework, and I don't have a support system built in if I have a meeting. Also it's slightly weird going from co-earner to my salary being much less than his.
Here are my thoughts:
- I am super grateful for the extra money!!
- I have lots of friends I can call on if I have a meeting scheduled for pick up time (and that's pretty rare; I can usually control that)
- I think that I'm feeling like my job is now discounted because it's more flexible (I can drive on a field trip, for example) and I now make a lot less; but we need my income (his current income alone is still less than what we made together, so I have to work)
- I was a little resentful about having both a full time job and doing 95% of the housework (another full time job! I work until everyone is in bed, essentially). But...
- I have worked that out in my head - I would much rather "pay" in housework to be the parent with the flexible job and be able to be with F as much as possible.
- D is terrible at housework - it takes him forever and he hates it.
D started his job last week and it took me until this morning to work this out. D has a commute and a boss and a "real" job (which is good for him... he liked coworkers and someone who is ultimately responsible) whereas I stay here in town, am my own boss and have a lot more control over my job (better for my personality type). And I get more time with F. And I pay for this privilege in housework.
I know some of you may suggest we get a cleaner, but the cleaning is really minor for me... it's the daily grind of breakfast dishes, putting dishes away, keeping dog hair off the floor, tidying up, getting lunches made, doing lunch containers/dishes, making dinner, doing the dinner dishes, getting the kitchen cleaned, making sure things are repaired when they need to be, buying groceries and putting them away.
I am curious if there are any other people in my position - I have stay-at-home friends I can talk to, but it's a little different because they don't have the added stress on their time of a job. And this is the part where I feel super whiny because this is such a first world problem; we have everything we need and now MORE money.
OK - need to go brush the dog and then go to a meeting (with F - it's summer - take-your-daughter-to-work season... see? flexible!).
PS - I definitely think this is a financial post. These are the kinds of things affecting working families, right?
Not Quite Back to the 50s
June 13th, 2017 at 03:22 pm
June 13th, 2017 at 03:32 pm 1497364377
June 13th, 2017 at 03:40 pm 1497364829
June 13th, 2017 at 03:51 pm 1497365469
I love/hate/mostly love my job, and you all probably can tell. And I have the better insurance, disciplined pension plan, and flexibility. I guess what's worked for me is trying to streamline things as much as possible. But this from a woman grumbling about making lunches at 11 pm last night while cleaning the kitchen.
I agree ( as usual) with CCF. Our DD has three years left in high school. I'm going to enjoy it as much as possible--including our funny car singalongs, endless trips to the library, movies I wouldn't choose to watch myself. And I think my DH is going to have to go back to making his own lunch. Let's keep talking about this.
June 13th, 2017 at 04:10 pm 1497366614
June 13th, 2017 at 05:04 pm 1497369894
If it bothers you, even slightly, maybe just discuss it with D? It will also probably take some time to find a new normal. It took us about 6 months to get used to the routine we have now.
June 13th, 2017 at 06:12 pm 1497373927
I think we are better than most at delegating to our kids and preparing them for adulthood. If you all three chip in together, is totally different than doing it all on your own. I'd think more along those lines. Everyone has school and jobs, and *everyone* can/should pitch in around the house.
I am embarrassed to say that we still pack lunches for our kids. That will probably change next year since most likely all morning duty will fall to my shoulders. (I think we've been able to split 50/50 most years, which is why I have just been mindlessly making lunches though I don't feel it's necessary at all at this point. Apparently MH's mom made him lunch for like a decade longer than mine did. Which is why I Feel it is ridiculous). My husband does want to go back to work full-time, so he is working this summer on getting the kids on some permanent dishes schedule, and having them each cook one night per week. But of course, these are all skills they should be learning regardless. I guess we always "practice" and plan ahead for big transitions like this, when they are foreseeable.
When my husband got a job a couple of years ago, we just kind of started shifting things in my direction. As long as everyone is happy, we just shift things around. Anything we both passionately HATE and can't agree on just gets hired out. The last fight we had about chores was about 13 years ago, when we hired out all the yard work. Everything else we can negotiate. I feel like it's kind of a constant negotiation though, so I do think talking with your hubby is the most important. Like I Said, we are re-jiggering things this summer while my husband has lots of time to establish new routines. I am sure we will re-jigger again in the fall when we add two schools and one part-time job back to the equation. Completely new schedules that we will have to figure out. & if something isn't working, then we will keep re-jiggering until it works.
June 13th, 2017 at 07:10 pm 1497377444
June 14th, 2017 at 06:45 pm 1497462327
Every once in a while I'll go on a cleaning tear, but mostly I try to add value in other ways: I do most of the menu planning/shopping/cooking, most of the dropoff and pickup of the kids during the week, I did do all the pots and pans until I started handling kid pickup, now it's about half and half. I trim the cats' toenails, I do all the budgeting and financial planning for everyone, I schedule swim and dance classes. If there are certain chores that would be hard to ignore, that would be something to give to D. I do things that I can't really shirk or our routine will be disrupted. Tidying is easy for people like me to ignore because not doing it doesn't really hold up anything else.
June 14th, 2017 at 08:17 pm 1497467863